We don't seek perfect relationships in marriage or in
other places in our lives. What we seek instead are real and honest
connections. 
Perfection has a
picture-book form, but it has no depth and no personality. This means
that sometimes we will get upset with others, or they will get upset
with us.
We need a basic commitment
to stay in the relationship dialogue, to continue returning to it as
long as both people are willing to work on it. Working through crises
is how a relationship grows from simply being an idea to having its
unique reality.
We will be frightened by
the rough spots.
We will wonder if there is
something wrong with us or with the other person, or the relationship.
We cannot escape such questions.
To run from the
difficulties cuts off the possibilities for growth. It is a frightening
thing to become real, to come into consciousness.
We have grown into one as we slept
and now
I can't jump because I can't let go
your hand.
-- Marina Tsvetayeva
Long, intimate relationships
often confuse us. We may lose the sense of where our individual
boundaries are.
We confuse our desires and our
pain with another person's -- our spouse or lover, our parent,
siblings, or child.
When that relationship
changes, when the other person dies or leaves or forms another intimate
bond, we may feel wounded and desperate, unsure of who we are.
The blurring of boundaries
is never healthy for us -- although we may not feel the damage at
first.
Sound relationships are
carefully made.
We enter into them without
giving away our own authentic responses to life.
When relationships change, of
course we may feel pain; but we need not feel the awful confusion that
comes from having given pieces of ourselves away. |
